OK, so it’s ‘rain rain go away’, but I’m working on an analogy here. Bear with me.
After I decided to ditch the TAFE course for this year, I felt the fog lifting. Right decision, then, I thought. I approached yesterday with renewed vigour, and dedicated it to a mix of doing a big dejunk of one of the kitchen cupboards (ie. getting back in control of the house) and getting stuck back into writing. I felt strong and purposeful, and my head felt clearer than it had for weeks. Decision vindicated. I thought.
Then I got an email reply from the teacher, prefaced with a “What the???”. Anyway, he was a bit taken aback, as he hadn’t seen it coming, then he proceeded to tell me I was one of the top students, and.. yaddah, yaddah… ‘you don’t have to be good at everything’ etc etc.
So – I was torn again – and in rolled the analogy heavy cloud cover. Flattery can be quite powerful, of course, so the rest of the evening I was compelled to reexamine my decision. M. was still away for work, and I forwarded him the email, and we had a bit of a phone conversation that basically ended in him saying ‘Well, you don’t want my opinion anyway…’
He is right. What I really wanted from him was a bit more understanding of my emotional state, but, given that I struggle to figure that out for myself, it’s probably a bit much to expect of him. OK, what I really wanted was for him to just agree with me for once, dammit. But I knew all along what he would think, and, wonderful as he is, he isn’t me, and he doesn’t really understand me. This is my decision to make, on my own.
I slept on it.
And woke to a gloomy rainy day which somehow seeped into my very pores. And then the internet connection kept dropping out, and I’d not had one comment on my ‘brilliantly composed’ blog post of yesterday. So much for thinking writing is the thing to focus on then. ” Hmmmpf,” I thought, and “… think I’ll go and eat worms…” and all that – and cue the gloomy cloud analogy thing again.
Anyway, since then I’ve got over myself, and I’ve written back to the teacher. The crux of it is that I don’t have a hope of completing the project in time for next week. I haven’t even looked at the work since the last class I attended – 2 weeks ago, before we went away for the netball long weekend.
I examined my reasons for doing the course – primarily because I enjoyed web design and hoped I might end up being able to make some money out of it in the long run. I pointed out that I could show off in first term because I’d done all that stuff before but once I hit new stuff, it was a different ball game. It wasn’t ‘clicking’ for me as fast as I needed it to, and I suddenly found myself hating it. Hating the pressure of having to come up with a website for a client. And wondering, if I had that much trouble working on it at home, then my ‘work-from-home’ aspirations might not be realistic after all.
I enjoyed it previously because I went and learned stuff, then came home and mucked around with it at my leisure. (I have two real websites to practice on, as well as my own.) So – my decision is that maybe if I take that approach for the rest of this year, I’ll find the enjoyment in it again. I’d already dropped all these other units anyway (effectively going part time), and the head teacher had said I could enrol again next year online. With my latest withdrawal, she still indicated that I could come back again in the future, so I don’t think I have burned my bridges. If I take my time with playing around with the new stuff the rest of this year, I might go back to it next year. And presumably if the teacher thinks I’m such a top student, he will take me again (I can’t see why TAFE would knock back the money, frankly…)
I would even happily do the photoshop unit (that I passed) again, because I would pick up more. So much of it went over my head the first time. Same thing, even, with the animation unit.
And so. Decision made AGAIN.
And while the rain poured down, matching my mood earlier, it’s lightening up somewhat outside now. And in my head.
Besides, which, rain rain, cloud, cloud, EFF off, because enough is enough. Seriously.