I just ditched the course I was doing. I feel like a mix between a failure, and a strong-minded woman who knows when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em. I don’t do the poker face thing too well, but I avoided discussing my decision with M. until a skype conversation when he was at work yesterday (and heading away for 3 nights.) Yep, I’m a chicken.
I knew he’d try to talk me into chipping away at it, and at least finishing out the semester. Like a canoe marathon, or a long bike ride, you know. And to be a role model for the kids and all that.
But I basically didn’t want to be swayed. I also knew I’d then cry, and he’d get frustrated, because he doesn’t know what to do with me when I cry, and basically it’d ruin a good weekend.
Short of the concept of me getting a hotel room for two weeks (along with a laptop and internet access) and him taking over the running of the household and wrangling of children for the duration, I couldn’t see a way in which I could teach myself what I’d been failing to grasp over the past term in class, and then complete the projects required. (Even that wouldn’t have worked, because I needed help.)
I swear, in anything IT, you either need to be young and/or have no family commitments (thus hours in a day to sit playing around on the computer), and/or a certain degree of artistic flair. (I have none of the above.) It probably also helps to not have the computer in the lounge room. (I do.)
Yes, maybe I do have (too) high expectations of myself. Possibly I could have handed in some half-assed projects just to scrape in with a pass for the semester, but that is not my M.O. If I do something, I want to do it properly, and I certainly want to understand what I’m doing. Given I wasn’t doing the web design with a view of immediately finding a job in the field at the end of the year, I weighed up the pros and cons of trying to finish a unit for the hell of it, or whether to do with the knowledge what I have done in the past – take it, and then experiment at my own pace.I guess I’m a slow learner in that respect, but I’m trying to take comfort from analogies of fine wines, and even casseroles.
The frustration of not grasping the concepts was really getting to me, and over the past few weeks I felt like I was operating in a fog. I couldn’t ‘get’ things, I couldn’t remember things, and I started feeling dumber and dumber. (I also swear that the pace of the coursework ramped up suddenly into hyperdrive.) Things I was sure I might have understood normally were just going over my head, with an accompanying glazing over of eyes. And I suddenly had a passionate dislike for the whole web design thing – something that had previously had my eyes lighting up, and the catalyst for signing up to the damned course in the first place.
It was also affecting other things that required brain power. Like writing. The mum who could blabber away on her blog couldn’t think of anything interesting to write – and the woman who was invited to submit articles to a new website couldn’t come up with a coherent paragraph.
So, here I am. Decision made, and enacted. I’ve written the emails to head teacher and teachers, and I’m hoping that with the weight now lifted I’ll be able to start thinking clearly again.
And try and figure out something else to do with the rest of my life.